What makes forgiveness so complicated? We hear that forgiveness is more cathartic for the person forgiving than for the person receiving. That may be true, but most of us don’t forgive easily because we feel like forgiving is letting someone get away with what they did to us. They have wronged us, and if we forgive that we feel like we’re saying it was OK.
But forgiveness doesn’t dismiss the behavior. We can forgive without saying what they did was ok. But why should we? Here’s one example I often think about. It has to do with road rage.
Some people get really angry when another car cuts them off or drives to slowly in the fast lane. Whether or not the person has somewhere to be, the actions of the other car enrages him. Then the Road Rager begins creeping up on the offending car slamming his brakes and yelling obscenities. Some people get so mad their faces turn red, their blood pressure rises, and their heartbeat quickens. Sometimes a Road Rager can make themselves sick over it. And it lingers. They don’t just calm down as soon as the other car is gone. The rage doesn’t quickly settle and it can even affect the rest of his day.
Meanwhile the guy in the other car is completely oblivious, cheerfully singing along to his favorite show tunes while driving at his own pace in his own little world. For miles he barely notices the person behind him driving a little too close and speeding up and slamming on his brakes. He never sees that red face or feels that hot anger. Instead, when he finally does catch a glimpse in his rearview mirror of the car behind him acting a bit erratically, he simply turns on his blinker and moves out of the way. And still the Road Rager is carrying on. He might even get in front of the original offending car, and slam on his own breaks to, “teach the guy a lesson“. But the original offending driver pays no mind, moves aside again, or turns off this route onto another. And later in the day It’s Our Road Rager who is still being affected. Maybe it’s ruin his whole day. The guy in the other car, he’s fine, has all but forgotten about this minor incident on the road that barely affected him.
We are the ones carrying it around with us, like a dark cloud dimming every new day.”
I use this example because when someone has wronged us, especially in the most profound ways, we feel as if forgiveness means letting them off the hook. But in truth, they’ve been off the hook. They got away with it. That blip in the road is over for them. We are the ones carrying it around with us like a dark cloud dimming every new day. We are like the Road Rager, thinking we are “teaching the guy a lesson,” when in reality all we’re doing is holding on to all that hurt.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean it was OK, it just means that you’re ready to stop carrying it around with you. Because that person who hurt you has probably already let it go. He or she has probably been living oblivious and guilt free while you carry all of that hate and anger with you every single day. And that hate and anger will come out, but not toward the person who started it. So how do we do it? How do we forgive? That’s a whole other blog post, but honestly, I think we just do it. We just forgive, but we don’t have to forget.
