I used to not be able to breathe. I mean I could take a breath but it never felt like it was going in all the way. I could only describe it as feeling like the air was going in around my lungs but not going into my lungs. I remember complaining about this as far back as middle school, but the doctors I saw said nothing was wrong, so I just dealt with it. One doctor gave me an inhaler, and that made it even worse so I stopped using it on my own.
To make up for the breath that I thought I couldn’t get, I would start yawning. I used to yawn all the time. I’d be constantly yawning just one after the other. Everyone always thought I was tired or rude. But I was just trying to breathe, and it wasn’t something I was controlling entirely. I always felt embarrassed and sometimes it would end in a panic attack.
I used to scream at my kids. In a matter of minutes, I could go from playing with them to losing my shit, because someone stepped on my toe or didn’t listen to me, or started playing too loud. Almost anything could set me off. My poor kids must’ve been so confused and scared. I remember driving to the beach once, and I realized once we arrived, that I had forgotten my wallet! We couldn’t get into the beach after driving for two hours. I lost it. My kids did nothing wrong, they were just sitting in the backseat of the car quietly when they heard me go off. I wasn’t yelling at them, but I was flipping out, yelling and crying over something that seems so unimportant now. The fact that they were not acting upset, made me more upset. Not the best way to teach your kids how to deal with disappointment. It’s hard to admit that one, I’m certainly not proud of it.
There are so many things I thought were normal. I used to feel crazy itches deep on the inside of my body. Itches I couldn’t scratch no matter how hard I tried. I used to feel my heart pound or race or skip a beat. I used to worry all the time, but I didn’t show it. I used to feel nervous for no reason.
I USED TO, but then…
One day my heart started beating fast – I’m talking like 140 BPM resting fast. At first, I didn’t think much of it because it wasn’t the first time I’d felt my heart race. But this time it didn’t stop. After 3 days, I called a doctor. I had just moved into a brand new city and had to find one quickly. When I called they gave me an appointment for 4 days later. I didn’t think it was an emergency, so I said that would be fine. After 7 days of my heart racing, I stepped into the doctor’s office and was told I needed to go to a cardiologist immediately or to the emergency room. It was very scary. I had my heart shocked back into sinus rhythm, and things were better after that. But the reason this was a turning point for me was because the doctor also mentioned ANXIETY.
I had been told I had anxiety before, but I didn’t think that meant I should do anything, I mean everyone is anxious right? But this time the doctor said it could be a trigger for my heart palpatations. And when I thought back I realized that there were some very anxious moments when I would feel my heart race. This time I took it more seriously. Through the cardiologist, I discovered I did have atrial flutter, and I stayed on top of that until we cured it with an ablation. And I also took my doctor’s advice to work on meditation and find a therapist. And all of that helped, but I still felt like I couldn’t breathe, I was still yawning and itching. When my doctor and therapist both recommended medication; I reluctantly agreed to try it.
After about 18 months of changing doses and medications, we found a combo that literally changed my life. Because of these two pills I take daily, I can breathe, I yell less, I get frustrated less, I feel like myself more, and I can still cry and get anxious when a situation calls for that, but I don’t have panic attacks. I am a better mom, wife, and person. I didn’t even realize that some of things I was doing and feeling were a part of my anxiety.
I am NOT suggesting everyone struggling needs to try medication, but I am suggesting that if you are feeling out of control and you can’t figure out why, start with a conversation with a doctor you trust. You can feel differently, there is something out there that could work for you!
